Bias Bar at Nobel Peace Center in Norway

 

 Point to Ponder: Prejudice is an emotional commitment to ignorance.- Nathan Rutatein

Story Line: As we entered the main exhibit hall of Nobel Peace Center in Oslo last August, my eyes immediately noticed a sign that read BAR in one corner of the hall. Curious why would anyone need a drink to proceed further in the museum, I headed straight to the BAR.  As I got closer, I noticed that it was really called BIAS BAR and that there were some cards on a nearby shelf. Two girls were sitting at the bar writing something inside the cards.

I immediately went to the smaller shelf and noticed twelve cards on them. One of them caught my eye. It read: Bias: Have you had a bias that has been disproved?

That specific card drew me into deep thought and a memory from my past resurfaced. 

Our son is an actor and writer. Since he was young, my wife and I used to go to all of his plays and wait after the show to pat him on the back, appreciate what we liked, and give him a hug. Then one day we went to watch a play he was in San Francisco at the New Conservatory Theater. This play was about a young man who hates gay people and beats a gay man to death one drunken night in the park. The young man is arrested and convicted of a hate crime and sent to prison. While in jail the young man comes to terms with the motive of his hatred- that he is gay and could not deal or understand it. An inability to accept that part of himself manifests itself in violent and self-destructive actions. Our son played that young man struggling accepting those parts of himself. There were scenes in the play where our son had to portray that emotional conflict, that struggle, and we witnessed him kissing another man on stage. It was a hard hitting play in of itself, but even more unsettling in watching our only son embody that role.  

When the play was over we waited in the hallway outside the lobby, by the stairs that would take us quickly out of the theater, I watched as he emerged from the theater with enthusiasm to meet us, as if the play hadn't left the same residue in him as it did with us; there was a joy in his face I couldn't fully understand. He looked around the lobby looking for us, a bit of that joy dissipating from not finding us there. Then he caught sight of us and noticed us standing on the stairs in the hallway, looking totally frozen. I could see the disappointment as he approached us. He asked, “You didn’t like the play, did you? Was I bad in the role? Do I need to work on some things?” I couldn't answer, I really couldn't find the words. I was shook up. He thanked us for coming and we said that we'd see him at home at that was really it, we left.  

After a couple of days and having some time to reflect on what I had seen I had a talk with my son. I told him I couldn't understand why his character had to go through such a difficult turmoil. I told him it wasn't his performance but the play itself that bothered me. Then I asked him to quit the play. I reasoned that it was not a good play and that playing those types of characters could reflect poorly on my son as an actor- that he might even get typecast as playing only gay parts. I asked him if he wanted that stigma. It bothered me when he responded that he would be proud to play roles as complex and revealing as this one. He believed it was a play that begged for understanding and tolerance. And then he said what really scared me; he told me he didn't care what other people thought of him and didn't much care if people did think he was gay. He said that was their problem to bear, not his. I tried to reason with him, telling him I was only looking out for his best interests and that he was young and didn't understand what he was saying or doing or how the world really worked. I told him that he would see the truth in time.  

My son did not quit that play. He kept performing even though now he had to do so in defiance to me but not really me, he was defiant to my prejudice. Still, I was his father and he continued, but with a shame that I had put in him and anchored in my profound disapproval. He did another play with that company shortly after, a lighter type comedy, but never worked with them again. I never thought much about it and to be quite honest at the time, I was relieved.  

So many years have passed and the world has changed. My relationship to my son has changed. I have changed too. Standing at that Bias Bar in Oslo I wondered about that period in my life. I thought of my son. And that play. I had told him that with time he would see the truth. But I look back now and realize it was I that needed to see the truth all along. 

Reflection: Going back to the Bias BAR, I stood there for 30 minutes reading many notes. Many were about hidden prejudices, some achingly visible. It's easier to see and point out in others but very difficult to recognize in ourselves. We often don't look at them in that glaring way; we reason that they are our views, justifying them with our limited set of experiences and try to sell them to others as fact. 

I still have a long way to go. There are still many times when our children and my friends call me out when I make what I think are innocent and simple statements; not fully knowing or understanding that I am harming others whose history and struggle I do not know or understand.  

I leave you with the words of Maya Angelou: 

"Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future and renders the present inaccessible."  

Comments

[Sam]

This is a difficult reality to accept. I have seen over the years that my individual bias on various topics (be it wealth, relationship, success) is based on my beliefs or things that I accept to be true. This in turn has come about due to my interpretation of some past events or something I was told by some "higher authority" or something that a vast amount of people "believe" to be the TRUTH. If we accept the truth that we perceive the world not based on the "reality" but our own, then we start opening up to other people feedback to check our biases. Sometimes, we experience life altering events that change our beliefs and we call that a "paradigm" changing event. For me the key is to know that I have biases and sometimes they will impact others negatively. That realization has helped me more than anything else.

[Henry Su]

Wonderful story!

[BHSC]

What a great quote... thank you for sharing my friend!

[Ganesh Murthy]

We complain about the racism from other races, cultures. Look in the mirror and see we have worse. We bias against cast, color, status, position, handicapped.
As our Great Leader said Be the change you want to see.

[True Believer]

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

[microCEO]

In the 1970s, I sometimes watched a popular TV show called "All in the Family", which frequently grappled with difficult issues concerning ethnic or racial or sexual bias in America. Despite this gravity, the program was a sitcom, with funny overtones expressed through the absurd situations or dialogue by the fatally flawed characters that audience members like me loved to watch each week. "All in the Family" was a story centered around an elderly couple, Archie and Edith Bunker, charming and even lovable at times, but more frequently annoying and embarrassing to their family and neighbors. Archie would frequently say awkward and even shameful things, while his wife Edith would try to restrain him or to apologize on his behalf, or his daughter and son-in-law would firmly and persistently try to show him the error of his ways. Yet, stubborn Archie generally remained locked in his fixed views of the world. The audience was sometimes left with a glimmer of hope that, after a social fiasco, maybe Archie had learned from the experience. It was perhaps even cathartic to watch this awkward and tragic figure hold himself back from joining the social progress attained by the more savvy younger generation. After the show, I and many other viewers could breathe a collective sigh of relief in the knowledge that our own families were not quite as challenging as that of Archie Bunker.
However, the lingering fear for the audience was that Archie Bunker probably failed to grasp his prejudices, and we might be just like Archie, even as we laugh at his obnoxious behavior. If a person who has grown up drinking water from a polluted well is suddenly given a glass of clean water to drink, he is likely to think it tastes strange. By analogy, we may not be able to recognize our own biases or admit them when pointed out to us. This is my fear, too, so I frequently reflect on my own behavior critically and think, "What false assumptions have I made today?" The key to breaking away from bias is to seek it out actively.
"The truth knocks on the door, and you say, 'go away, I'm looking for the truth,' and so it goes away. Puzzling" -Robert Pirsig

[Humble Warrior]

great story and I as well carry some bias views... whether in my head or not... not all are true I am certain... what can change?.... I can change... be the change I want to see... Your son is incredible actor and writer by the way, I'm glad he stuck with it!

[BK]

I really enjoyed this week's Friday Reflections. This is a very profound lesson.
>>

[Friend from China]

Nice one. I like it

[Searching]

Very well written. I admire your son's convictions. At the same time, I have still not come to terms on gays and lesbians. In my opinion, it is an abnormality. But they can not be ostracized for that!

[California Guy]

A follow-on to the point to ponder is that we collectively must have an ongoing emotional commitment to learning so that we can prevent the negative effects of bias and prejudice. When learning stops, our minds become more susceptible to the negative effects of bias and prejudice.

When it comes to bias and prejudice, I only need to observe the innocence in young children to see that bias and prejudice are social concepts and behaviors that each person internalizes over time. It is bias and prejudice that provides the fuel for cultural and systemic racism that has been justified by the artificial concept of race.

There is an exhibit that explores the concept of race at the San Diego Museum of Man (http://www.museumofman.org/exhibits/race-are-we-so-different/). From the creators of this exhibit is a short video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aaTAUAEyho) that presents an overview about the complicated story of race in the USA. And at this exhibit is an exercise (writing down answers to thought provoking questions about the idea of race) that is similar to what is described for the Bias BAR.

[Thomas]

When faced with difficult social or political situations, I start the same way I have learned to start in technical problem solving: argue things from first principles.
If your first principle is, every human being is a child of God, you will reach a very different conclusion than you would from a reactive argument.
My wish is that every leader and politician on earth would arrive at every decision they make by arguing from first principles. I may not agree, but I will know for sure who they are and what they believe in.

[SMS]

Sometimes, it is hard to tell determine the rights and wrong. We all come with bias for many reasons: upbringing, personal experience, education, etc. It is human nature. But, some people comes to term and accept the different views. Take the example of the musician from the Las Vegas shooter event. He once was against gun control, but, after his experience, he no longer is.

[Sojourner in Taiwan]

Before I got married, I agreed to sit down and go through a workbook with my future wife. The workbook describes several real-life marriage instances/situations and required us to give our thoughts on those situations. It was an excellent exercise as it allowed us understand why we think that way. When we recognize a personal bias, it's in the right direction to at least understand why we have it and what could have conditioned us to it.

[Yuri D]

Its hard work being a parent and accepting others, even if they are your own children.

We have too many expectations.